un—loveable

i long for things i feel like i am not worthy of. why would i wish to be loved when i can’t even love myself? why would i be loved by someone if i have been told in the past it is something i don’t deserve. continuously i have been put down and i stand still in a point where i just accept it.

every negative comment that i have gotten of myself is in an empty void that continuously repeats itself over and over again “you’ll never be enough” but i can’t help myself from asking why have i been told that. i’ve given my everything in past relationships even to those who simply tossed me away when they no longer felt i was needed, when they never had their feelings clear but managed to mess up mines, why can’t i be loved?

am i really that messed up? am i really that bad as i have been told before? i still think about that long anonymous message i received saying that nobody would ever heal me or love me because of how many issues i have, and every time that messages floats around in head i can’t help it but agree.

i am undeserving of love, of affection. i have burnt myself out giving my everything even to those who broke me but i have never received the same type of love that i give. and i don’t think i ever will. they were right. everyone was right. i have been played so many times because no one sees anything special in me, i mean how could they, i don’t have anything.