Things I wish you said.

i'm listening 

to myself think 

about the things I wish you said

and the things you never did

like how much you liked her

couldn't even hold her gaze 

would think of her red hair 

but settle for my brown strands

like how funny it was

when you let your friends talk

shit about me

when you lied to them

about things that I did. 

things that never happened in reality.

and I think 

so much about the things you did say 

like the innocent kiss you gave someone else

like how much you thought I wouldn't care 

how not sorry you were 

how stupid you think I am?

and I think about the things that I did. 

like go through your phone 

and find all this. 

like cry myself to sleep with you next to me. 

like look at myself in the mirror and actually feel 

how vile it is. 

how can you even look at me? 

but I still think about you

and the things you are saying now. 

like how mean I am. 

like how I don't care. 

and I think about me 

and the reasons I stayed

but now that I'm gone I can't find them. 

anywhere