Things I wish you said.

I’m listening
to myself think
about the things I wish you said,
and the things you never did.

Like how much you liked her,
couldn’t even hold her gaze,
would think of her red hair
but settle for my brown strands.

Like how funny it was
when you let your friends talk
shit about me,
when you lied to them
about things I did
things that never happened
in reality.

And I think
so much about the things you did say.
Like the “innocent” kiss you gave someone else,
like how much you thought I wouldn’t care,
how not sorry you were,
how stupid you think I am?

And I think about the things that I did.
Like go through your phone
and find all this.
Like cry myself to sleep
with you next to me.
Like look at myself in the mirror
and actually feel
how vile it is.
How can you even look at me?

But I still think about you
and the things you are saying now.
Like how mean I am.
Like how I don’t care.

And I think about me,
and the reasons I stayed.
But now that I’m gone,
I can’t find them.

anywhere