¿Qué persigues con todo esto?

I locate myself or respond with a meow trying to approach your area of domain. It's not a language I know, but I can try.

How many times have I explained what you already know? You know you’re talking nonsense at the very least. I feel like resorting to a slap.

I’ve explained everything to you and you have no respect for their or my process. Nor for having made them lose a friendship. You think I’m worthless. You think that for me, losing one of the best friends I’ve ever had meant nothing. That it’s worth nothing. That it won't burn me for the rest of my life.

You think I don’t know who I am.

That I might have problems doesn’t give you the right to treat me this way. We all have problems and strange ways.

I need to learn to value, to love myself and to love well. And to defend myself. I have to kill or channel the compliant part of me that naturally adapts to everything, that if it doesn’t have a comfortable place to address problems with loved ones, swallows everything and destroys herself inside. Since I was little, I’ve been trying to better myself. But only now can I put it into words. (You think I don’t recognize you. God.) Only now can I slowly stop feeling that nervousness that if I’m not in a meadow with happy rabbits and friends, I can’t address difficult things with them.

But I was trained to endure, and it worked very well. I need to organize the variables and learn to take care of myself. Not to give my love and willingness or even good humor to just anyone. But I have to defend the somewhat strange form of love that I’ve managed to build in order to transform it. It’s love after all. You know? They are my demons.

And yours?

And your lack of trust in me when you know me better than anyone in this world.

What a way to insult me when I never raised a tank against you after how you treated me. What a way to keep talking to you after that. Maybe I understand you a little.

I’m not proud of it. My loyalty is not to fight with loved ones. It’s disorganized but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist and it’s very big. If you think otherwise, you have no idea. I don’t want people who don’t value my effort to be better. We all come from difficult places (you think I don’t see your efforts?). Where I come from, it’s hard to draw conclusions about some things. Before I leave, I make charts, write texts, have thousands of pleasant conversations, explain in thousands of ways that people should value the effort and make another. Do you know how many times I’ve done it and still do, but I’m learning to say no, to go in stages, and set limits so as not to fail myself (you think I don’t recognize you? I could ask that 100 times). If they treat me well. There are things that perhaps no one could show us and that’s why we build them ourselves.

I would never abandon anyone because they have problems and are trying hard. It needs to be organized. That’s what I’m working on. I deeply despise that lack of trying, that letting go of a person as if they were nothing (You think I was going to leave you because of a video about narcissism manipulation and other ridiculous things? No matter how disastrously I showed it, you don’t know who you’re talking to).

I’m angry about the lack of effort.

It’s my form of love. Besides, I’m not stupid enough to have ridiculous enemies. Isn’t it enough with the crappy world we live in that you want to invent more? You are an idiot person.

You have problems too. We all have problems.

What do you want?

Besides wasting my time

Ruining my inner life

And ruining my life with it

Wasn’t that enough for you?

And finally

I came here to be at peace with the processes, to express myself and try to organize my mind and emotions after so much battering

And I end up being just a girl who wants to cry in her friend’s arms without being sweetly betrayed when she turns her back, like at the beginning.

It’s about learning to treat each other, but now there’s nothing left.

I asked you to lay down your arms. You said you didn’t want to be an ogre. You have no idea how deeply that struck me.

The effort I made to not make you feel that. Disorganized but still here. You have no idea how far I went to understand you and you played with me.

Let it be clear to you

I always chose you even if it meant crying every day and you laughed at that.

My friendship and great understanding are not thrown in the mud. But I defend love and the bet.

Provocation provocation violence war alongside love

It hurt me

Really. It doesn’t matter if you ignore it, it’s true.

I’m sorry for hurting your heart, but I don’t regret defending myself.

It’s a thorn that will stay with me. I really regret it.

I did a lot to get out of many things you can’t even imagine, and I’m not going to explain it to you so you can laugh.

And by the way, you told me little to nothing about yourself. I was always there, you could talk to me.

I don’t have to tell you what you have to do to talk to a person.

You drove me to exhaustion, insulting and tarnishing everything I love.