HATE

Hate You

I hate you for everything you taught me, for what you took from me, and for everything I didn’t choose. I hate you for all the early mornings and efforts you belittled. I hate you for taking me for a fool, for driving me mad with your appearances, ups and downs, opportunistic and manipulative maneuvers.

How could you never tell me you were so stupid? Had I known earlier, I would have avoided dying with hatred. I hate you for the bad things you did to me, for the things I suppose you did.

I hate you for writing that I hate you at 3 in the morning. I don’t want to do it, but the absence of the life you’ve ruined appears in a body empty of hate. I hate you and I hate myself. For all the times you asked me to stay and I did. For all the times you told me to trust and I did. For all the times you told me to value my efforts and played with me. For every time you opened me up like a Christmas turkey when you were manipulating me, and then created indelible wounds that have no artistic form other than the description of death and emptiness. If you always knew you were going to break it so violently, why did you create it?

I hate you because you took my time, energy, effort, and dedication to destroy my life, and you don’t even let me die with dignity. You want me to be left agonizing and undignified, watching your creation wander the world far from you, carrying each of your marks as if they weren’t yours. You created this, which didn’t exist before, with your gaslighting, desperation, abuse of power, intermittent reinforcement, and emotional abuse. You did it all.

I hate you because you made me see the nature I loved so much as places to hang my feet. It’s three in the morning, and the only thing that relieves me is the pine tree in my yard. And I never thought about that until you appeared in my life. That’s why I hate you. For having slept a night with death under the pillow without my fingers having the strength.

I hate you because you condemned me to a life on the margins of desire, far from the environment I built with so much love and effort. You’ve condemned me to live with fear, near desire, to live without dignity or direction. I hate you for progressively showing me the path to death, for taking away many of the people I care most about in this world, my best friend. I hate you for treating me like a game when it was serious to me, for messing up my mind and showing me some path, when all I have ahead is the dignity of my absence on the road. I hate you because you come to erase your footprints when you’ve taken everything I built in my life.

I hate you because you took me by the hand, showing me the best way to destroy my life, and I hate you for using me as a bottomless garbage can. I wasn’t this; you made me this after causing me mental damage from the shadows. I hate you because I’m afraid of you. You’ve associated my friendship, so open to your transformation and influences, with the worst manipulation and destruction. I’m afraid of you because I hate you.

I hate you because all I do is write poems while you destroyed my life for real. I hate you and my miserable defense when I can do nothing but die. I hate your words when they are no longer useful. I hate you because you played with me as if my life and efforts were a fun barrier to break down. I hate you because you trampled my conscience as many times as science allowed in your brutal discard game. I hate you because you took away every opportunity to fight for everything I built. I hate you because you forced me to fight, destroyed by you, and I lost. I hate you because I wanted to and I loved you, and you returned to harm me. And when I defended myself, you punished me until you destroyed me. I hate that you hate me like this.

Even if you can deny everything, they will always see you through my absence. Death is the only dignified life you have left me. I hate you because you didn’t deserve many of the things I gave you, but despite all the harm, I kept giving you everything. I hate you. I hate myself. I want to die.

HATE

HOW UGLY HATE IS

I DIDN’T FEEL HATE EXCEPT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE THRESHOLD

HOW UGLY THAT THEY DESTROY YOUR LIFE SO MUCH THAT ALL THAT’S LEFT IS HATE

HOW UGLY THAT THEY DON’T EVEN LET YOU DEFEND YOURSELF AND THAT IT’S THE SUICIDE OF A CRAZY PERSON WITH INVISIBLE SCARS IN THE MIND

YOU SHOWED ME THE BEST METHOD TO DO THINGS BY USING THE DESTRUCTION OF MY LIFE AS AN EXAMPLE

IS THAT THE TRANSITION YOU WANTED?

THE ONLY THING THAT RELIEVES ME WHEN THE WORST MEMORIES OF YOUR ABUSES AND HUMILIATIONS ATTACK ME IN THE EARLY MORNING, CAUSING SPASMS THAT AREN’T BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH. THEY ARE THE MARKS OF YOUR UNANSWERED AGGRESSIONS BECAUSE YOU ATTACKED SOMEONE WITH A MIND DESTROYED BY YOU. I WASN’T THIS. I WASN’T THIS. YOU CREATED IT, NOTHING BUT YOU.

IT’S OPENING THE BLIND LITTLE BY LITTLE AND LOOKING AT THE TREE IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.

IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT RELIEVES ME WHEN I FEEL THE INNER EMPTINESS OF MY DESTROYED LIFE.

IT’S ALL SO FOREIGN THAT IT’S AS IF YOU HAD HIRED THE WORLD TO KICK ME. YOU DESTROYED EVERYTHING.

WHEN YOU BROKE MY HEAD, CREATING THE DESPERATION I DIDN’T HAVE.

WHEN YOU HUMILIATED ME IN MY FIRST OFFICE.

WHEN YOU NEVER CHOSE THE EFFORT OF A FRIEND.

THE PERMANENT DESIRE TO DIE QUICKLY BECAUSE I CAN’T LIVE WITH THE MEMORY, THE MATERIAL AND MENTAL DESTRUCTION OF

YOUR

ABUSES.

Preferir lastimarse que lastimar

La sonrisa radiante aún sangrando se empieza apagar.

Y si te deshacés en ganas.

Y si amás tan continuo que destruye.

Cuando relacionarse con el otro es hacer para el otro te deshaga.

Quisiera desaparecer el desastre que has causado

Te has llevado todo lo que me conectaba con un lugar en este mundo

Desaparecer me

Es lo que las condiciones estructurales me piden,

Y a gritos.

Cada vez que intento lo contrario,

Aparece el martillazo en algún lugar.

Como si existiera un destino

Y le hubieras dicho que aproveche,

que también podía jugar.

Arruinaste todo

Primero adentro

Jugaste con la disposición y la confianza

Como un juego

Y cuando habías creado una cosa

Que antes no existía

Afuera

Arruinaste todo lo que amo

Deadentroafuera

Hiciste que lamentara nacer

Y toda mi vida

Ahora solo quiero desaparecer

Me iría con vos

Ab.E.L.G 10/7/24

Seguro que vas a estar más en paz que acá.