03:50am

of course i’ve tried turning off the lights.

and the phone. and the thoughts.

i’ve made tea.

chamomile, valerian, the tears of saints.

i’ve lain still. stiff. softer. fetal.

i’ve counted sheep,

then the ways i’ve failed everyone i’ve ever loved.

i’ve whispered to the ceiling like it’s god.

i’ve screamed into the mattress like it’s listening.

i’ve tried silence. and sad music. and white noise.

and standing in the hallway at 3:12 a.m. just to feel time pass.

i’ve tried forgiving myself

and failing at it.

and repeating that ritual nightly,

like a lullaby made of knives.

you think i haven’t tried?

you think i haven’t begged?

you think this body hasn’t already aged in the waiting?